april 2004 sydney..a book review

ak- an email to my good friend matt about a book called ice station


this mail better work-so what you at then??snorting charlie from the virginal breasts of young south americans no doudt,alls nice here in sydney but fuckin cold as a wiches tit.doing some crewing work but going looking for more gainfull employment later.i read that ice station book last week-man it started off well but turned more and more stupid with every page-cold heartless colefield murders 100s of other muderous soldiers and risks all for some silly teeny boper-no doubt so he can ravish her later on-and wendy the seal-common what the fuck was that about,skippy the bush kangeroo,gentle ben and flipper eat you hearts out-i bet none of you superstar animals got to rescue dumb humans from mutant elephant seals-and i have already emailed padi about their unsafe diving practices-no less then hundreds of METERS under the sea with 30 year old scuba tanks-my good fuck he must have done a saftey stop for days-ahaa but im forgetting about the magical anti nitrogen pills-how could have i forgotten-well aside from this drivel and the fantastical killing and escapes that were never ending i must admit that the last few pages really took the piss-ok secret stealth fighter in a cave beneath the ice-blow up station-thaw out tale of plane stuck in ice for 30 years,take off in cave and wait for newly formed ice berg to turn upsidedown before flying to saftey through now above water cave.only to be attacked by more of these bad-lads-trust-no-one-we-all-saw-the-xfiles type people in planes, but sure our magical fantastic stealth plane is also invisable like startreck so we can escape-only to blow the thing up after its lands on the aiscreft carrier-showering the whole ship with the elephant seal mutating plotonium core-schofield then left the army and works on osprey filling tanks-he isnt alloud dive but is now afraid of the water-at night he goes home to his 12 year old bride and has rough sex making seal noises-arrrrrrrhhhhhhh arrrrrrhhhhhhh arrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhh

aniway-enjoy whatever your at you cunt and send us an email or ill tell dirk you screwed his girlfriend and he will hunt you down with his gps and smoke you in crappy joints which will take ages cause your so fat

2004 may sydney

noosa heads-thats where our car boke down-we made afan belt out of my camera strap and slept on the beach god dammm i love this country.well im part of the work force in sydney and will be here untill june 14th before headin back to ireland to do some cushy well paid tv work then back here to sun my balls and drink beers ahhhhh bless the drive through bottle shops.anyway you can phone me at 0431 686622-i know lots of people in cairns so if you ever stuck etc give us a buzz and ill put you in touch with some of the cairns scum.enjoy your trip and see you start of june-

ps if you go diving be warned that all male dive instructers are sluts-actually most males in cairns who work in the tourist industry are sluts.people will try send you to the woolshed-go to see the place but its evil-if you want a nice quiet drink in comfee surrondings check out the green ant behind cairns central-good food .

april 2004 sydney-lso i locked up my bike and went inside.........

........and the lady said i could get the L90 bus from outside in 5 mins-originaly i just wanted to find out the bus times but as i debated going home to pick up my camera-the bus glided in beside me and i automatically borded-payed the good man $4.80 and sat smiling for the 2 hours it would take for the bus to reach its destination.i looked around at my fellow passingers-a young english couple giggled in the next seat over-they knew.in front of me 2 happy 15 year oldes read their magazines-they knew.so i just sat and smiled.as i got closer to my destination i started to see familiar looking sceenery outside-nearly like it was from some past dream,clooser still and i was starting to fidget in my seat when still with onew stop to go i could not hold myself anmore the antisapation way so great i lept gayley from the still moving coach and smelled the air-i had arrived at last-ohoo the bus may have taken 2 hours but my journey to this place had taken over a decade.i had finaly arrived in palm beach-or more better know as summer bay.i half skipped,half sprinted across the car park towards a familiar looking line of trees seperating the carpark from the beach and then i saw the gentle curve away into the hazy distance to my left,a light house,the sea,the surf,the sand, the rocks-to my left another vista i knew better than my own face-i felt drunk with happyness as i staggered down the beach-looming playfully out of the dunnes was noneother that the surfclub building-i paused breefly to purchace a refreshment from the kiosk (alas not staffed by a sutherland) and saw many crew photos on the wall-many signed-how i nearly wet my pants. back down to the beach i went stroking the wooden railings on either side-i knew the location of every knot abd splinter.and down to the sand-ahaa the sand-THE SAND,i grasped a hand full and smelled the history-i tasted the tallent that laid its bare feet upon these very grains.ahaa the memories-blake and haden,sophie and dagdog.these patch of golden grains had seen it all-a tear fell from eye and landed into frothy water at my feet.i was home, home at long last.

the end

april 2004 sydney

na ha ha sydney 1 - simon 2

well when i got here much glumness overwhelemed my little lost heart-finding myself in big city,no friends and surronded by to many oirish for my liking-so many silly ideas and nout to show except an unsellable car and $1000 less in the bank acount-so last night as i prepare to try give up the smokes in a bid to streach the funds conciderably, i sat in the common room of this hotel sized hostel-surronded by yuppie backpackers and i trawled througe the many tv-audio visual companys in sydney as a last ditch attempt to gain 'reall" work before surfing back up the coast in 2 days to byran bay and picking fruit.this morning was a finger numbing phone dialing to various companys many of which were not interested,not there (saturday),rude or looking for permanent staff. and then lo i found a recruiting company looking for luggers and as i turned out is having dificulty looking for camera ops-lighting ops etc (i can do it or at last blag it well) so i got me an interview/induction on tuesday-aha as i emerged from phone box the world was a happier brighter place and standing on the roof top of the hostel spining my poi and drinking coffie i decided that sydney might not be so evil after all.so i got to move to a cheaper hostel for a week-possibly head out to palm beach on tuesday afternoon and watch home and away being filmed (drouuullll) -and buzz around sydney for a bit-then if nouts on ill surfari it up to byran bay and try my hand at some grape harvesting and wine drinking under the stars-ahaaa blesss the sweet sweet grape.

i got me a job interview on tuesday doing some tv stuff so im gonna stick arround for a week-if nothing happens im going to surf north to byran and pick fruit-i m staying here in a hostel with claudia and its nice-sydney is better now ive left the silly beach and at least im in proper city instead of tourist scum and leaches.its not the worst place-kinda different but ill wait another 7 days before making up my mind.matt came back from nz yesterday-he had a bit of weed in his pocket and the doggies got him and he got deported before steeping out of nz emmigration-big nelson HA HAaa.well enjoy time on mikes balls-aparantly on the whitsunday islands you can do 24 week instructer courses for $1500-nice,check out zinc maggazine.aniway im off to not smoke or drink-the pain-akakak

bless there little gay hearts but i got me an interview tuesday for some camer op,lighting desk work etc-your man said he got prenty of luggers but not many skilled ops-jeuzz boyos this could be the big one,fuckin nearly died today cycling around this city-its all hilly like a carpet of really fat bitches and the drivers are all on crack and have just killed grannys and are rushing to their dealers with no reguard for cyclists-looks like ill be another special faced bus passanger-joy.

im off to see home and away being shot on the beach on tuesday-do some networking ya ya-you know with the producers and that ya ya-sorry fransoir-ill have the pasta and a pint of hino, and bevan will have the cesar salad and a white wine spritzer. ya ya-so bevan you need an irish boy to be hayles new love interest ya ya.

aniway me heartys-glad to hear your all still alive and no one in any wheel chairs yet (gav the big thick neck on ya-like a bullock)--aaron and dul i shall be returning around mid june so we shall all have to meet up for a pint in chasers. dul if you are talking to will giv him a manly punch on the arm and tell him not to worry-in a few years all our sluts will be poppin sprogs left right and center so there is no need for him to feel alone in the world-still-papa will-mental.

im currently trying to swop car for a phone but nothing yet-a dodgy chap in the hostel said he would swop a phone or even a digital camera-but neither can be surfed on-emmmmmmm

chat ye alll soon and akakakakak

hey mum

alls still good here-just been hilling out in the hostel-they broke me yesterday and i drunk beers and smoked but it has left me more determined than ever to stop for the next few weks (beer) and longer (smoking).there are pretty nice people in the hostel-claudia,german who i worked with in cairns-3 estranged ozzy blokes who im getting used to-1 safrican who is quite funny {the south africian was a total tool, ak}and the owner+son-possible indian/newzealand in origin but nice people.i possibly have work on sunday night-if this get to be a regular thing then i have to invest in some regulation footwear and equipment-but hopefully that will pay for its self.until then im just gonna chill out in the house-read etc and try not to drink at all.could you mail me your phone number as im living out of rucksack and im not sure where i left it-cheers akakak s

at it was easy cause i also gave up drinking-but yesterday they made me drink-and then i made me smoke

but today is a new day and ive given up again-until next time

het ruth ya mad maynoootheee-cheers for the long email-i t cost a internal organ here in syd to mail for an hour so ill keep it short.alls good on the cheap here at the mo.have stopped off the gargle for a few weeks and hopefully off the smokes too,but im failing cause its so bloodynice here-seriously now im living in myfirst proper city-not like dublin with its 1 sky scraper and the poxy dart.alls nice-hopefully starting work with a crewing company tonight which will blossem into mucho tvo worko over the next few weeks when they see what a great nondrinking non hungover worker i am.ill be back in ireland in 2 months-got the 8 weeks work for tg4 again-then its up up and away before the winter sets in-possibly back here then newzealand or maybe south europe for euro chicks.have fallen in love with sweedish ladys-oho my god they be hotties-but aside from 2 sweeds ( ohoo bless their wee 19 year old hearts ohooo) -and a nice ozzy lady who said shed marry me so i could stay in oz its been a fairly uneventfull holiday with regards da laddieees-such is life.aniway sydney rocks and ill tell you about home and away in next mail-seee you july for an ould pint in a nonsmoky pub and akakaka k simon

april 2004 cairns

ive met a ozzy lady who will marry me.........but alas ive other fish to fry-shes called loren and we have been involved for a few days but while waiting for a taxi to dinner the other day i told her of my quest to find a local lady i could marry to stay and she accecpted.nice to know the option is there but at the moment it looks like the diving has been a complete farce-i doubt ill even get my rescue course at this rate-but such is life.ill be staying in sydney for the next 2 months-lookin for a placde by the sea so i can surf and get some bar work.then back to ireland mid june (with 1 week stopover in malysia to check out this dive cameraman operation) where im back with forefront for about 8 weeks tv work-ill make it over to the manor house but not for as long as expected.so ill get the summer in ireland and i recon ill try get my new zealand visa and bust back here if your still offering my return ticket.ill look into airfares via the us so i can come visit on the way over/back.

-man ive been here 5 months and still aint been more than 50 km away-but that shall end next as we bust south to sydney where im planning on doing some detoxing-no booze or smokes and lots of work (i have been between jobs for 5 weeks now) and lots and lots of surfing.then mid june im heading back to the emerald isle via malisia for 1 week to see this dive camera work.im back with forefront for another 8 weeks touring ireland in the blue van and getting paid for it (i shall ask for yet another raise)then ill have to decide where exactly ill go to escape the winter.probably back here then maybe nz or diving somewhere around the equator.emmmmm as for ourselves meeting up in the same place-jesus girl cant you remember what happened the last time!!! im happy with this other-side-of-the-world arrangement so why start pestering ourselves?anyway whats wrong with emails-they are good enough for all the rest of my friends and family-so keep emm coming-

im a rescue diver at last-just need my 1st aid test and some paper work and my time in cairns will not just be a piss up.i m hopefully splittin to sydney on friday so ill be emailing you around then-althoe thar could be shit about gettin the car regestered cause of the bank holiday weekend but fingers crossed all will go nice-twas only a short email really so im off home to wash my salty booty

im back from a night at sea and be god sure im a rescue diver now-people will trust me with there lives now cause i can rescue lives like hobbie from baywatch. got me a nice local lady who said shell marry me so i can get a lifelong ozzy visa-but alas sydney calls so im off south in two days to get the fuck out of the rain forrests to a bit-o-noise and hustley bustley and surfing and new surrondings where i can stop drinking for a few weeks with out the drunken possy up here recking my head about it and pouring cheap jugs of piss down my throat. joyy

aniway my plans of slutting about sweeden (bless) for a few weeks have changed-i got that tv job around ireland again for about 9 weeks so im home to the emerald isle in june and there ill work and hitch and save and only drink dutch gould and bring naggons into night clubs so ill have lots of cash and i can exit stage left when the summer fizzels out and all the grumpys come back-ill probably head back here and do some more diving but it might be nice to see whats up on the other side of ozz

2004 febuary cairns

or should i say-my first car!!!! its sitting outside my house right now and ill regester it and sort out my licience during the week-happy happy joy joy-no other news,ear much better and ive been celabrating by diving-cyclone warning and lots of cold rain but generally still hot here.alls well in work,days going quick but weeks going slow-about to start stress and rescue soon-internet closing-mail soon-akak simon

starter motor problems-yaaa ya ya

matt drove the beast home to draper st-me and julian got him started after 5 mins-then i crashed into a lamp post (hes a hefty lad and thats some big long distance from driver to headlight)-but its only a broken headlight and shall be lovely replaced-we in the house celabrated by sitting in the car and drinking a bottle of wine and smoking a spliff-god damm im a happy car owner-reg only ran out the end of jan-so if you could email me previous owners full name ill sort out reg

good god if i find you ladys again itll be more than your face ill be licking.off to the green ant to play pool

shall mail you soon

hope holiday is goin good and that you two are buzzin and gasping etc etc

akakakakakakak simon

...they are closing cafe soon and ive no time these days with drinking and work etc

anyway reciently i had some great luck cause i swaped a $49.90 vibrator for a fully functional 1984 ford falcon-a dildo for a car,god damm i love this country

i still have to get it regestered etc-but it means i can buy a tent etc and drive the east coast of oz when ive finished this diving malarky.anyway its free pool tuesday in the green ant and ive a thirst for carlton on me-hope alls good to you all and shall be mailing proper soon.

as you know i finaly got it together to get the fuck out of the whole couple thing and the recovery is still a happinin-ive been one half of a couple for nearly 5 years so its strange being single-what the fuck ive been single for months now and its still weird,at least ive managed to stop hugging a pillow to sleep-nasty habbits-aniway im not going in to it but lets just say alma made things really easy for me to leave and i jumped head first into this window of opertunity,it was such a buzz the day i booked my tickets-sitting outside the central bank in dublin lookin around thinking to my self "by bye by silly ireland"and uits been good ever since-my last summer in ireland was a mixture of fun tv work and a nationwide tour of drinking sessions saying good bye to all the various people in different places.

i flew to singapore in sept and boated it to indonersia-it was so crazy for the first week cause i was traveling through sumatra and everone i met was non english speaking locals-i had to remove the beard cause it was attracting to much attention-indo is a crazy country-very se asian-bus journeys are mad life and death races on roads highways that turn to dirt tracks in places.i traveled across sumarta and then north to nias island where i surfed a break that used to be on the world circut.really really cheap room for the night,meal,beer,motor bike to town all costing around a euro each-i wet some french people and we all made our way south to java-volcanos-hot springs-ate snake-dolphins riding the bow waves etc etc-then we parted and i carried on quickly across java to bali which is hindu instead of muslim and a bit more chilled out-bali had way more people and it was nice to meet fellow travelers from all over the world in beer drinking abundance-i did some more surfing on kuta beach and it was so so nice apart from the crouds on the waves.i then nipped over to lombok where i boated up to the gili islands (get a atlas fool).i met a load of people on the boat and we all hung out for the week-after they all fucked off on there merry way i did my open water and advanced dive course and fell in love with life under the sea-my 2 months of moving around were up and to be honest i was sick of constantly moving and meeting people only to go our seperat ways so i was looking forward to gettin here and setteling down for a bit.i arrived in cairns on my birthday and had a crappy evil job as wall as a wonderful room in a house after a few days.the place i was working in (The woolshed) is notorious around oz-anyone who has been to cairns has probly got shitfaced and pulled at the woolshed-its a tacky hole with repeditave bad music full of meat heads and drunkin sluts-great for passing through but darn right evil to work in-so finaly after nearly 2 months i got the fuck out and started my dive master training-which is on the oposite side of the job satisfaction level-basically i work 90 days for the company during which i get trained to a dive master level-i work on a catamerang called the supercat-we bring about 60 divers,snorklers, students etc 50km out to the great barrier reef for the day-through em in the water and bring them home-its a bare feet and board shorts job-the reef is so beautiful as are the many bikini cled hotties who are on the boat every day-the diving is great and all my work mates are funny-im having such a buzz telling the customers about reef gecos,kodiak marmacants, marine bats and any other fictional animals i can make up-unfortunatly i dont reall get paid for this but i eat for free and there is loads of cheap/free ways of drinking in this party town-a couple of the clubs have a "power hour" where anyone in the hospility industry gets a hours worth of free drinking-ive got dangerously drunk a coule of times.cairns is nice-about the size of cork-great barrier reef on one side-rain forrest on the other.its always between 23-33 degrees and is very humid-ther is a constant flow of back packers-with loads sticking around for a few months to work. ive been in the same house since i arrived-its 10 mins cycle from town-costs about e60 a week inc bills,big bed-pool-hammok etc.just finished a few months of hardcore spliffing but we decided to take a break for a bit,im living with 4 lads at the moment but there was 4 x19 year old sweedish ladys when i first arrived-nice

holly fuck ive thats some blabing ive been doing-right highlights so far and ill go email someone else

1 leaving ireland on my endless summer quest

2 surfing nias and kuta

3 scuba diving anwhere

4 skinny dipping in the new year with 2 sweedish 19 year olds

5 going to work every morning on the great barrier reef

6 swapping a vibrator for a 1985 ford falcon (when i get reg and licience sorted im going to drive down the south coast)

7 smoking on th pourch watching these massive fruit bats flying over head nightly

8 drive through off licieces and readily available pure mdma

9 going swimming any time day or night in pool

10 being free and single and happy

2004 january cairns

yes its true-some type of swedish summer solstace drinking song and the corus is "ak ak ak ak ak ak:"

crazy swedes-had a shit start to the new year-was mopping up puke at the end of the count down-but we got pretty fucked up after wards-which went on all day until i fell asleep after rum ,then straight of to another party that lasted until 10 this morning-so its nice to be sober for a bit-ended up skinny dipping in a pool with a girl from work and her gothy mate,one of those things that can be crossed off my life achievements list.i was well happy over the last few days to start meeting loads of cool people not related to work (im working in an ultratarded idiot pub-but hope to start scuba diving work soon).cairns is a real nice town-rain forest on 1 side,great barrier reef on the other-i got me a nice gaff and a bike.not been so lucky with the ladys yet-but its been damm fun trying-but i have a feeling ill emerge from my dry spot like a butterfly fairly soon.

holly fuck they know how to drink here-any Lesure\tourist industry workers have "powerhour" free drtinking in various pubs/clubs for 60 mins-good fuck ive got really ratarsed in that hour and not a peeny was payed-nice.aside from those and drinkin in work i found a really cool alternative bar which is really chilled and full of nice locals-and some jedi master pool players-ill beat the cunt one day.thats it really,ive been havin a nice time over here and apart from all you bitches im not missin ireland at all.i rang sam the other night cause even after a load of splifs and beers i remembered his number-it was pissin rain here at the time and i was shittin myself larfin cause i was standing in this torential luke warm dounpour talkin to sam hidinhg inside away from the cold.its always hot here,even the coldest it gets here at night is still warmer than the hottest summers day in ireland-happy happy joy joy.

ive not much else to say so all ill say is ak and to be sure,ill mail yee again some time-begorra

basicaly the job (offically finished trial after 2nd day) is deck hand on a dive boat.we take about 100 people out to a reef-some snorkel,some dive-they eat-we go to next reef and meet with live abord boat-more divers and snorklers and we transfer passengers with live abord and head back to port-the crew are all really nice and the work varies alot. yesterday i got to brief 30 snorklers on how to snorkel,was a snorkel guide.did my first dive today but most of it was cleaning the hull.on my days off i get to do the course work for the dmt-next step is stress and rescue-then ill be able to dive guide.its fun learning all the boat stuff-the constant cleaning is a bit annoying-but when the work on the boat is done and i just sit and smoke and look out to sea i can ever imagine gettin sick of this job-once ive worked my 82 days-the company will train me up to dive master-but ill be able to do lots of work in the mean time. getting the monthly checks at once will come in handy-i should be ok for another few weeks-as ive no time to spend money-but my last paycheck will run out soon

its my first day of in ages and did some adaquite drinking last night-the bar toilet has 2 way glass for the urinal so you can look through your stream of piss out at the people drinking on the other side.

thats mental so many are gettin married-sure ill probably marry an ozzy chick so i can stay here-

i am fish boy-i get up at 6 i cycle to boat,meet work people-prepare boat-many people get on boat including people who should not be near large volumes of water a pretty ladys in bikinis with meat head, scared boyfriends-boat travels 60km to outer great barrier reef,people snorkel-i tell them how-people dive-i give snorkel tours-i make up names for fish and nonsence facts about reef life-we move spot-more diving snorkeling-we go home people get off-we clean boat-we go eat/drink/smoke/sleep and get up in the morning and do it all again- can life get much better than this---yes i must bed a 19 year old sweedish hotty and a eternal sence of good karma i shall becume. hi to the tree boy sweeny and kaz etc in the gaff-pass on my good regards to the happy couples forever chained together through marrage and all about you-xxx and an ak for luck simon

there is this chap who works with me and he is called "irish james", now i knew he had an irish accent but i could not put him to a region in ireland until i found out his dad was irish until he moved to oz years ago so "irish james" has spent fuck all time in ireland and has developed a hollywood oirishh accent-the dirty faker-but its really funny and you two girls would be pissin yourselvs if you got a chance to hear him-it would be like talking to tom cruse in far and away. diving is going reall good-but at the moment im doing more boat work-im a deck hand,im gettin really tanned cause its nearly always hot on the reef and i get to spend my working hours bare foot-fuck footware, its sooo 2003.

righrt now its my turn to bitch-ear infection causing pain and lack of diving and had to stop drinking causee im on antibiotics which havent worked so they were a complete waste of $110 and ive given up smoking and my dickheaded cunting basterfaced twaty housemates have really made me want to smoke cause we gotta free room in the gaff available and i offered it to this 18 year old american chap eddie who just started working with me and from what hes told me hes had a hard time recently with drugs,parents and greef in school so now hes come to oz to dive and is happy and idiot german dirk dident like him based on meeting him for about 30mins but it gets worse cause dirk gets drunk and gets bitching session together with other 2 housemates and english cunt face carl decides to give me a bolixing infront of his mates about trying to move a dickhead into the gaff when he aint even met the chap and has based his opinion on what drunk dirk has said-so i had to tell this chap to move out and that im unavle to give reason cause frankly the reason is nearly as fucking retarded as the two fuck heads im living with and frankly i feel like packing my bags and moving out too.

phewthatsbetter

2003 december cairns

i was going to write individual Xmas emails to everybody but i find this group mailing much more personal. Ive got a busy week of smoking ahead of me and watching ren and stimpy videos-at least until Christmas day when i go to work-this will probably be my most uneventful Christmas ever-joy.I'm still in cairns and shall be starting diving in the new year-got to move house in the next few weeks.I'm working in the wool-shed for all you who have been to cairns and its only temporary so don't be giving me shit. anyway I'm off to drink festive beers and swim in my pool.have a really nice holiday ye all-where ever you are-akakakak Simon

story ye alll? hope the start of a fresh calender is brilliant for all of you.im gonna be working in a meat market collecting glasses for filthy animals and cleaning up after evil idiots spill there bacardi breezers-but im doing my dive trial next week and for the new year ill be sailing the high seas and buzzin around underneath the waves-joy.

Simons New Years Revolutions

1.revolt in the united states

2.revolt in republic of ireland

3.revolt in..............................................please dont make me go on

aha no seriosly-POOH YEARS RESOLUTIONS

1.give up not smoking again

2.buy more fruit

3.eat the fruit i buy

4.stop working in soul destroying meat market

5.stop writing stupid mass emails and learn to type faster so i can send each of you the mail you deserve

6.swim 1000 m

7.get a ren and stimpy tattoo

8.rescue more sexy ladys from burning buildings

9.learn to juggle 4 balls

10.dive dive dive

2003 november 19th cairns

simon harper

461 draper st

cairns,qsd 4870 austrailia

telephone 4041 4070 (nice easy one!)

moved into my new room in a house today-pretty nice spot-my own room with bed, walls, door etc-big sitting room (lounge),kitchens big but no oven and only one gas hotplate so it looks like there will be many salads on the menu-nice balcony out the back over looking our own swimming pool-nice.its about 5-10 mins cycle from shops and town.the land lords are the lady who ran the hostel i stayed in and her fella whos also my new boss-i did a trail in one of the main backpacker pubs last night and got more shifts on the weekend-ther only problem is that im not a hot pant wearing blonde euro chick, so i cant work behind the bar and i have lowered my standards to glassey-washin glasses and manuvering around hords of pissed backpackers pickin up bottels etc-but there is nothing like a crap job to make you get up off your arse and look for beter employment-ive tried all the tv companys and most of the bars-but now ive got a gaff and ive just typed up my cv i can pass em out and wait for work to come get me-there is lots of backpackers employed here so most places have high staff turn over.i tried to get into a divecenter but the pay was reall bad or just noexistant so im going to probably just work,save and pay for it myself instead of working for peanuts for 4 months.i gotta bust on and do me some shoppin in this wonderful city-its very full of young adventure holiday types but its a very pleasant place to hang around and has all the comforts of home + so much more , and its hot -but much drier and bareable compared to indo.better dash,chat soon akakak simon

Cairns-brilliant-so hot its cool,got me a room-house has a pool-got me a bicycle-got me a job collectin glasses in the wool shed but ive got my eyes set on better things-fairly confident ill be workin a bar in the next week or so-did i mention that cairns is brilliant-yes it is,my new city to live in-drum n bass nights,strip clubs (no bar men needed unfortunatly), cheap food and cheap drink and it seems like its half populated by englisha and irish people-i must hide my true nationality and become oz boy----G dAY laiideys,FaNcy comin fr a dip in me poOl. brilliant. i must admit that im happy to be able to settel for a bit and aquire some material possesions,before finding a boat or car with people willing to go all the way (to sydney).i must dash-gotta email ex in ireland cause shes depressed and trying to drag me down with her (not my fault im having fun)-then im a gonna buy me some food and beer and go home to meet my 7 new house mates-including 3 sweedish ladys,alas but they are only tempory and shall be moving in 3 weeks. bye bye akak simon

oh jesus

this morning i was so tired when i woke up-so i lashed on my shorts and went for a quick swim in my pool-then had a cup of tea with fabi one of my new house mates-the 3 sweedish girls were still asleep-as was carl and joanne,carls a chef-jos a stripper and the sweedish ladys work in a bar-i got a bar job yesterday but its only 2 nights a week so it looks like illl be pickin up glasses in another bar for a few weeks-hopefully ill sort out some diving work soon-aside from that this is one fuck of a cool country-big-spacesious and cheap,good food,good bikes and roads-nice gaffs and nice people-im gonna aply for residency or marry an aussie chick-they are kinda frumpier than irish ladys but still damm kissable and they are all skin cancer brown,none of that pasty white irish skin.there are loads of irish and english back packers about but hopefully they will all fuck off for christmas and leave me pick of the jobs.no other news yet-just glad to be setteled again and lookin forward to exploring the area-great barrier reef on onside,tropical rain forest full of weird beasties on the other---in a few months uim going to summer bay to surf then im gonna find haile and have her many times-i tells ya dreams come true here-sorry if i bored you with the surf talk-i hope i dont turn in to one of those wave junkies who constantly harp on about surfing--but its such fun,nearly better than sex..enjoy the coldness in squat land and eat a few beans and tofu for me--you can get 1/2 kg of tofu for a couple of euros here-not that id buy it-im gonna look for croc and roo and any other weired animals that i can eat--tasty marsuipeals---happy happy joy joy-better split and sit in the sun before winter comes and it drops to the low 20s - chilly stuff

nice to hear alls well with you-paintin and shit,and free rent you fuckin parasite---my rents about e60 a week-but that includes the landlord comin over once a week with bog roll and cleaning supplies and she fuckin cleans the place-quality,im startin one of my 2 jobs tomorrow,glass collector in one pub and barman in another-but im trying to get on as a trainee diver with a center,pay aint to good but in a few months ill be a dive master-yeeehawww-and i get to help prettty ladys into there wetsuits.im startin to fall deeply in lust with one of my sweedish flatmates-shes the prettyest and the only single bird in the gaff.man these sweedes are so fuckin cuddely towards each other-the 3 of em are always pawin and huggin and stuff-its all very friendly but legs get crossed.winter is comin here in a few months and aparently its drops to the low 20s-brilliant-off to not spend cash-telll the wee lady not to worrie about collage-if shes sad-do what im gonna do to my sweedish goal-bring her to a pet shop and swoon over puppies and kittens-brilliant

take care seamus-and remember when your painting to akakakakak

hey exy, christmas, haha, its just not real seeing a christmas tree and it being 30 degrees out-its not too big a deal over here,ill probably be workin xmas eve and day as well as new years for the bonuses.ive settled alright in to my new job as glassy-its about the same pay as ireland but tax is a cunt at 30%.ill be out there after christmas to do some diving and will have to search for cheaper accomadation, and leave my beautiful pool.its so nice gettin back in the wee hours and jumpin in for a quick cooling swim before bed-its been never cold.3 of the clubs do hospitality nights where you get 1/2 price gargle all night and free basics spirits for 1 hour-its a mental burbon drinkin race against the clock and last week ive had my second drinking black out in as many months-got completly lost after a party and spent 3 hours gettin home-the following day i was showin the house where the party was and its at the end of my street-i is the fool, but lessons learnt and no more burbon sillyness.rum is safer. thats mental about andrew the premoter-will they be puttin on more gigs?? there is some wanky minestry of sound comin on friday, but i met some drum n bass djs in my local and theyll be spinnin kickin breaks in another room so ill gettin my dancin shoes on-however a pill will set you back around e30!!!! its fuckin crazy-im thinkin of d****a and his mates lashin out yokes cheaper than pints in dublin and here it costs a bomb.mmda is available for the same prise so thats what im aimon for,should be a larf-ill probaby be changin gaff soon so ill wait until ive got my new address and ill send it to ya-hows your new room or are ya still in the attic? new flat mate?-a christa or a nancy (neeek neek neeeek), work? hector and simone?, claire? travel plans?

anyway have a nice xmas kits, say hi to all the family in awfolly-and sure i exchange electronic mail weith you again soon. akakak and ank ost (sweedish for duck cheese-i got everybody in work to saying it & i can also say "my nippeles are soft like a shaved monkey"i work with 5 sweedes what eles to do to pass time?) akak love simon

2003 15 november bali

cheers for the bday greatings mum-24 years ago today and alll that!!!

i just discivered thats its 2000 miles from sydney to cairnes-and thats its cheaper to fly (2hrs) than take the bus (2days) so im in the process of bookin an internal flight-big surf in a place called dreamland-to big for me so the surfings over until im in sydney.im getting really restless with sittin around and am really lookin forward to gettin a job and setteling down for a bit,i have been reading that oz book you sent me but i also just finished a very funny book about austrailia called "downunder" by bill bryson-id strongly recomed givin it a look if you see it.i got a cold somehow-40 degrees and ive got a cold-im hopin itll be gone by tomorrow-your anarko-granny group sounds like fun,have you heard of that spontainous protest group-its an internet-mobile phone joby,where you get a group of people agreeing to all meet up in a public place as descretly as possible-just suddenly apear at an agreed time-then do a series of preagreed actions-chant-hop up and down-pretent to yell in to phone etc then when done the group just melts away into the croud-they are quite small and short 30-60 people and takes a few minutes but sounds like fun,i cant rember the web site but i think its called spontainous protests..right im off to a snuffely bed-i hope ythe retreat was fun and the furniture aranging goes well-as for xmas,whats that-i aint seen anything xmas related yet-brilliant-see what happens in oz,no doubt there will be some sort of irish away on holidays get together,from what ive gathered so far there are a lot of irish people in oz-oh well-what harm,mail ya when i get there and ill give you a buzz or email you a hostel no--akakak simon

story all?-hows wintery europe goin-its drizzeling here in bali and a lovely novelty it is to-got a fuckin cold,40 degrees and i catch a cold-i dident think it possible-its my birthday today and i get to spend it on flight 6878 to sydney-joy,buzzed down the coast a bit to a beach called dreamland to surf but by fuck it was hard-big slow fat bitches of waves sittin on me with their salty flaps and tring to kill me -so i left it to the pros and just sweeted on the beach-amazing place-the reforms break right on the shore-it was funny to watch silly day trippers splashing about on the edge-then suddenly they are trying to out run this 10 ft monster that sends im flying up the beach then pulls em back for the next wave-good fun to swim in though.i sick of just sittin around and scratchin my balls and ive nearly given up talking to people cause ill never see em again-so im really lookin forward to gettin to cairnes and setteling for a bit-richie the cunt still aint sent me the address of lahinch friends in sydney-im gonna kill his fish when(if) im back in ireland.i just wanna unpack my sack,get a job and know that any people who i talk to will probably still be around in a month or two.so hows it all goin with you 2?-give my regards to the other halfs-hope xmas is a larf and chat soon-bye akakak simon

2003 28 october gili islands

i do believe i shall never forget my first time when me along with several others-equiped with tanks of compressed air and various plastic and rubber out fits fell of the side of a boat and proceded to happly explore the ocean bottom-grey outlines of sharks zipping bye in the gloom-3 massive turtles like some kind of dinosaurs eating at the corral-fish of every colour and if you just follow the direction of your bubles upwards you see the underside of the sea 12 meters above you-i do believe i have found another new purpus in life-the sea,in the seas,on the sea,under the sea-the sea is for me-the lovely warm tropical salty beautiful life filled sea.

one dive today and 9 left-lots of books to read still and more instructional videos but its quite a relaxed course-all the crew who were staying have left but 1, matt from england.soon ill get to do a 30meter dive,you get nitrogen narcosis at that debt and its like being drunk-its also a bit like your yoga cause your controling you breathing-slowly and deeply so you really relax and everything around you blows you away-its sad to get back to the boat-ill probably get one more week out of this wonderful place before returning to bali-then im gonna work my ass of in oz and get back here as soon as possible-probably a little to optomistic but we can all dream-your in my thoughts alma and i hope all is good with you and that you can quickly get out into this world asap and get blown away too-im serriously willing you the strenght to get you escape of ratraceireland together-ive been talking to so many people about so many places-you could travel all your life and still not experience everywhere this planet has to offer-bola--teehehe

i gotta split and do my home work-chaty soony akakak

i muudderfuckkinn diver mannnn,

mental fish bastards live under the ocean and bye christ the next shit load of money i make im going to but a fuckoff camera with water casing,laptop editor and travel the world fliming rich tourist divers as the swim about looking at these aforementioned mental fish bastards-why not get a second camera and make a few surf videos for other rich surfer types-i tells ya lads-there is a niche here to travel,surf,dive,party and sit on our arses drinking cold beers on little islands waiting for beautiful canadian ladys to come back from whereever they have gote to-a little capital-some camera traning in large swell and a few dive courses-i have seen the light-and its reflecting off crystal blue tropical oceans and it makes the sand so bright you have to squint.....the ball is in your court gentle men-think about it and/or let me know......

been havin some great chats with matt about philosophy,mankind,workin,life,love and ladys-its kinda scary when you meet another version of yourself!!startin new dive course tomorrow-of down deeper for longer-its such fun in fact that iver decided to arse the tvwork and sydney onto the back burner and head to carnes in north oz-a big lahinchy sounding place that aussias and travelers alike all seem to pine about-probably get back to the bar work and try get my dive master through pimpin my self to a dive center to do all the donkey work-3 months and ill be a dive master-then i can come back here or thailand and start as a trainee instructer-then i could travel the world teachin diving as i go-thats the new plan but traveling alone gives you such freedom to chop and change you future-plans are made to be broken

2003 14 october java

yo yo yo muderfos-how ya all doin???

i made like a shepard and got the flock out of bundung-bused to pananderang with those two french chaps who were staying in by moriz-pretty boring seaside resort town -so i only stayed 1 night than got a motor bike down the coast to buta caras-a smaller beach resort with a couple of hotels and a few resturants-i got a lovely homestay owed by a sweedish lady and her jave man-nice brecfast and chats-the waves here are ment to be reall good when they are working but they were flat like banana pancakes--i met two canadian "surfing, cool,man ,joints,waves,grass,wow man" chaps they were ok buts lets just say we dident exchange names-any way my 3 days on buta caras were fairly uneventful concidering the lack of surf-i spent one afternoon making a huge sand sculpture but it got fuckin dark before the tide came in-i was watchin all the muslims playing on the beach-man even on holidays they stay covered up,men and women-splashing about in pajams and longslieve tshirts-tyhe canadians told me they saw a load of girls being towed on one of those inflatable bananas behind a speed boat and they all had those head scarfs on-i ve decided ive had enough of all this foregin culture im im going straight to bali for some drunken flesh-althoe i met two lovely german ladies on the boat and we are all in the same hotel so maybe ill stick around yogja for a few days!!! hope ye french are recovering well to normality-dont stress just start planing the next holiday-and rob hows it goin in the less muslim parts??you lucky bastard---until the next time you crazy kids-salamat tingal etc akakak simon

ps please send me the girls emails-ak

2003 9october java

I know im a day early but im off to a surfer beach tomorrow and im not sure if they will have email-im now in java-we stayed two nights in bukittenggi-bus to padang-plane to jacarta and train to bundung-total cost less than the train from dublin to cork!! the 5 french are leaving for the flight tonight so ill be back on my lonesome-it was fun to have some people to hang with but im looking forward to meeting more-we went to see a active volcano yestereday-crazy dead landscape like mordor in lord of the rings the energy in the ground was amazing as were the smells-boiling mud pools,black water and bright yellow sulpher covered holes jetting steam into the air-we stopped of for a walk around some rice paddies? and had a swim in a supper headed pool-like a big bath-and then for dinner we had snake blood apertefe followed by fried cobra and then fried python-we got to see the cobra from cage to plate-brown meet a bit like pork rib and bony like fish.we spent today exploring some of the city here-lots andlots of cheap cloths,shoes etc but im not buying anything until i m leaving-been looking for some clothes for baby sean-my friends hector and simones new baby boy and ive learnt lots off the french cause they have baby brothers.the citys here are kinda all the same and i dont really like them-very busy and dirty-like any city i suppose-so a few days at the beach will sort me out-java is a little more expencive than sumartra and lombok probably more so-i will probaby stay for a week or so in the next cheap place that suits my needs-beach,surf,people-but i think that all of indonesia suffered tourism wise since the bali bombs-and noone ive meet has been rude or anti west-anithing but.

i got a email from alma the other day and it grumped me up-shes not to happy in cork-changing jobs and is missing me-i know ive only been away for 3 weeks-but wasnt thinking of her to much until the email-now im feeling crushed between wanting her back/giving it another go and making like a shepard and getting the flock out of there.im sort of just waiting to have something else to occupie my mind and i wish it would hurry up-i also cant do anything for her over here so i dont know why she is telling me her woes as if i could help-----only time will tell with this one but im confident by the time i get to oz ill be a quite a bit more sorted-anyway the french 5 are leaving now so i have go say my good byes and find something to do for the night-local pool or night club of stay in the hotel where they have live jamming sessions with some local musicians doing all the rock n rool reggae favourites----hope you have a good birthday and ill mail again as soon as i can akakak

2003 5 october nias

storry ya squattin crusty cunt-no doubt its all vegan free love and dreads-see you next summer...

yea i had a fairly nice last year in ireland-house sittin for my relations in meath-massive gaff & awardwinning garden all to my self-nice but got the cabin feaver really bad and smoked alot-shirly valintine style chattin to empty rooms etc.finnished my last year in ballier (got to shoot a charity promo in kenya for 2 weeks-illequiped schools by day and 5star hotel by nite.alma dumped me after xmess and was snuggeling a mate of dani's for a bit-then 5 months after we split alma came up to visit and 1 bottle off buckie later we were reliving the pasion unparalled since we first got together-needless to say it only took 2 weeks to find our selves back to where we initially broke up-misery-i got 6 weeks tv work for the summer and just bummed around on the cheap-while alma embarked on a drunken shagging spree(s) which for some unhealthy reason got to hear all about (sucks when best mate ever is also girlfriend)-i never got really cut up about it,instead i decided to move to the other side of the world where its too hot to give a fuck.and here i is,on my way to Nias (south coast off sumatra) to learn how to surff and if indonesian girls like it doggie style-met a dead nice lady today-doin the tourist walk around Bukittenggi and this allright lookin young one comes runnin up to me "may i practice english on you"-she took me into this half built (like most of SE asia since the economy crash in 97) 5 story hotel-mental place -deadly photos and we spent the day practicing english-she was the nicest(and only) muslim ive ever met-but she was also a "bad muslim" cause she liked to watch "romantic" & "sex" films-she also wanted to get romantic and sex with me, but alas i tipped her over an average weeks wages and sent her home in a taxi-dident want to be a blow in to town and be curupting 21 year old muslims-what te fuck -writing this with a bottle of the local brew in me and i must be suffering from malaria or some shit-if she shows up here again by allah ill have her. im off to some exvolcano lake tomorrow-hopefully i can help practice more english there...

aniway whos this laura one??? all love and sweet i hope--enjoy your visit to ireland-make sure you dont stay cause befuck we were born in the most expencive country ever(the best hotel here is only e30 a night)..and dont be to supprised if you find the same people doing the same shit--sean has recaptured the mews from the punx-house meals and list of stuff for the land lord to repair aparantly so it should be safe-on the other hand the gaff in rathfarnam has been infested so be warned-richie is still in lahinch (impress the lady with our rugged coastline,cheap gargle & clare people) he is managing the aquairium and his email is aqualarichie@(yahoo or hotmail)-if your down there keep an ear out for gavin or aaron-dead sound mates from collage (surfers) they may be able to sort you out with a bed and some of gavs vegan munch.sam is back in thomastown as is sean oge aka john daly-well worth checkin out for a weekend cause there is some mental sessions goin on with all sams town mates.mark and amy back from vietnam (michelle kissed nev last year)-dylans office (phorest) is through the door beside the trendy usa clothes shop on middle abby st-hes always there...

enjoy the factory job-i would strongly suggest doing an extra day or two a week-saving the money and bustin over this neck of the woods for a bit cause a euro goees fuckin miles e17 for a 15hr boat trip,e5 for a vip mini bus for 300miles and fresh avocado juice and beautiful indo noodles for about 80c---you may have to relax on the vegan shit though or get some indonesian lessons-should be easy enough there in holland cause youve been shaftin them up to the last 50 years-collinising bastards (i have been cured of the vegetarisiums and be jesus chicken is great-they serve dog here and fido is on the cards as soon as i find out what the word for dog is---woof)

fingers sore-one more beer and ill go try talk to some germans- akakakak

hi baby kitten

just back from a week on an internetless island-Nias of the west coast of sumatra-lobsters, surfing ,australian neighbours ,really nice food ,dutch man ,more surfing ,french people ,shitty ferrys with cockroaches and dolphins racing off the bow ,surfing ,sunburn, chain smoking clove cigerretts ,no mobile phone no cold no(t to much) drink, warm sea, bungolow on the beach,half the price of ko phang kgan,half the fun,helmetless motorbike rides through the jungle,surfing,reading,thinking,not thinking just being,octopus for dinner,hunky austrailian surfers--------------------------

imust admit that everything good thats happened so far has been followed by thoughts of you- this email is very hard to write so ill write again soon

2003 19sept Pintan

adu kabar...
i arrived ok at my destination-the island of Pintan
about 60km southeast of singapore-i havent seen any
"westners" since getting of the plane but have gotten
used to the staring.i still trying to get used to the
money-i think i withdrew 20 millian today by
accident-but a box of ciggeretts costs 6000 so i think
im ok.i,m probaby going to stay here for a few days
and check out the beaches on the other side-hopefully
ill meet a few english speakers a find out about other
places to visit.so far ive seen no sun so its very
stormy and humid.i ate for the first time since the
plane today-two local women bought me lunch-last night
i had a few beers with some of the local lads-(all in
their 30s) who were keen to met anyone who spoke
english-one of them was a sailor who had been to
belfast and cork in 1979-i got my malaria pills ok
just as well cause i got nibbled last night-i also
managed to bring to much stuff-oh well.i better go and
see if my new friends want to bring me on an expencive
tour of the island-i think not.talk soon lots of love
akakak simon